Assertiveness

Decisive, confident and forward; aggression which respects the rights of others, bold or confident; self-assured

Too many of us fail to fulfill our needs because we say no rather than yes, or perhaps later in life, yes when we should say no.” – William Glasser

Assertiveness is not what you do, it’s who you are! Cal Le Mon

The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others. Sharon Anthony Bower

People who are assertive usually do not have problems with their self-esteem. Those who have self-esteem issues are more likely to be overly aggressive or very passive and submissive. Assertiveness means being able to stand up for one’s self without being obnoxious or rude. Instead we exemplify self-confidence and poise.
Assertive people can say “no!” They usually have principles they stand by and will defend them when challenged. They can confront others while continuing to respect them and stop short of stepping on their toes or being offensive. Others can effectively interact with them without their losing their temper and self control.
Some of us are lacking in our assertiveness. It is too easy for us to be taken advantage of; too hard for us to say “no”, too easy to be manipulated into buying things and too hard to seek satisfaction when things go wrong. We are unable to terminate phone calls with telemarketers or to aptly deal with overly aggressive individuals.
An assertive person takes defective products back to the store, deals with customer service representatives, talks with kids’ teachers, and interacts in all kinds of circumstances while remaining cool, calm, and collected.
On the other side are those who are overly aggressive and want to dominate and control. They are rude, rash, and argumentative, lose their temper, and always want to get their way while at the expense of others. They have a win/lose philosophy. These people have self-issues: lack self-esteem, self-respect, self-discipline, and self-control. They do not like themselves and often take out their frustrations and shortcomings on others.
Being properly assertive is a life skill each of us should develop. It is both good for us and those we interact with. We can respect the rights of others while not abdicating ours in the process. This is a win/win philosophy.
Being assertive instead of too aggressive requires being confident in whom and what we are and also having a good self-image and self-respect. This gives us a foundation for caring about the well-being of others as well as ourselves. If we can do this, we will be able to respect our self while at the same time respect others.
Learning to be assertive is a very important life skill to master if we are to grow and mature. It will come from building good self-confidence in ourselves. The benefits are tremendous and is worthy of our best efforts.
Challenge: Are you able to assert yourself when necessary? Can you avoid being too passive or too aggressive? All this is dependent upon a foundation of self-respect. It is important for you to master this in order to achieve a high level of efficiency in your life. You must get your feet wet. Step in when it is time for you to be assertive. Practice makes perfect. Learn to love and respect yourself and others will love and respect you as well.
Wisdom: Never allow a person to tell you no who doesn’t have the power to say yes. Eleanor Roosevelt.

Spiritual: (NIV)
The Lord is gracious and compassionate; slow to anger and rich in love. Psalm 145:8

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

Assertiveness implies healthy respect for other’s rights as well as our own. If both parties have healthy respect for each other, things are likely to go well. If we have love in our hearts, we can avoid being aggressive or too submissive. We are guided to do the proper thing and are secure in doing so. It is very difficult for us to have this kind of maturity in our own strength. This kind of strength and love comes from God’s help and guidance.

Prayer: Help me to have love in my heart and to be able to care about others needs as I interact with them.

Self-Issues

All of the various self-hyphenated words which describe issues that we have with ourselves that hamper healthy living

The highest and most profitable learning is the knowledge of ourselves.  Thomas Kempis

The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself…  Thales   

Unless we are in love with ourselves, we have no love to offer anyone else.  Walter Starcke

We enjoy being around people we like and try to avoid those we do not like. We like being around people who make us feel good and avoid those that cause us to feel bad. When we have to be around those we do not like, it makes us uncomfortable. Many of us are forced to be around someone we are uncomfortable with; our self. We make our self uncomfortable and would prefer to be somewhere else if we could. We have two selves, an inner and an outer. They are inseparably joined together twenty four hours per day and seven days per week.

We are like Siamese twins joined at the hip. The inner us is our true self. It is the core of our self- relationships:  self-esteem, self-control, self-respect, selfishness, self-confidence, self-discipline, and numerous others. All of these phrases describe various aspects of how we relate to and perceive our inner natures. We are forced to be continuously with our inner self and as a result get to know ourselves very well. We know our weaknesses, undesirable characteristics, blemishes, warts and faults. We typically do not like much of what we see. Most of us know our inner selves all too well. We mask and hide our feelings about self. We know about our dirty linen, skeletons, and dark secrets. This causes us to dislike, hate and even despise our self, andcan cause some rather serious problems. Even if we only dislike our self, we are likely to have significant problems. We cannot get out of this relationship. We are stuck and must to learn to live in harmony with our imperfections and faults. We all have some self-issues. The answer is to learn to be at peace, knowing what we know. We must learn to love our self and to become self-forgiving. We must learn to love our inner person unconditionally just as we love our spouse, children, or parents. We chose to love them even with all their faults. We are able to love our friends and loved ones even though there are things we do not like.

We must learn to love our self, if we are to have maximum well-being. When we are able to do this, we are on the road to self-improvement. We are the way to finding more joy and happiness. This is something we must do.

Challenge:  List the undesirable things you know about you. You may wonder why you do not hate yourself with so many faults and weaknesses. Learn to overcome this. It must be done. You must learn to love yourself unconditionally if you are to be healthy and fully functioning. You love your children unconditionally even with all their faults. They need your love. Learn to love the child that resides within you unconditionally as well.

Wisdom: The biggest obstacle to happiness is lack of self-esteem. People who lack an internal sense of self-value, self-respect and self-worth become very ego-centric.  Robert Schuller

Spiritual: (NIV)

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.  Galatians 5:24

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  Romans 8:37

If we can be assured that God loves us despite all the things that are unlovable about us, then we can learn to love our self. The most important and absolute truth in the universe is that God loves us. He is our Heaven Father. His love is perfection. It is so perfect that He willing died for us to save us from our sins. We can accept his loving grace and enter into a right relationship with Him. God does want us to have a healthy and happy life.

Prayer:  If you can find reason to love me, then this should be reason enough for me to love me.

Self-Esteem

Feeling worthy of love and respect, feeling worthwhile

Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment. Thomas Carlyle

Respect yourself if you would have others respect you.  Baltasar Gracian

Self-respect is the fruit of discipline: the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself. Abraham Heschel 

  Most of us have friends, co-workers, neighbors, and relatives that we do not respect. It can be difficult to be around them, work with them, or even tolerate them. Some of us feel somewhat the same way about ourselves. We may blatantly dislike ourselves or may have more subtle problems of low and inadequate self-esteem.

  A healthy sense of “self-esteem” is crucial. We have a critical need for being able to think of ourselves as worthy. This is a basic necessity to be able to function properly as viable and healthy human beings. Along with self-esteem, it is vital to have a basic foundation of self-love. Problems with either too little or too much of either causes us difficulties both with our self as well as our relationships. Those having little or no self-esteem have difficulties liking themselves; perhaps even hating themselves. As a result they are miserable, unhappy, and mal-adjusted. Many teens, prison inmates, and mental health patients exemplify rather severe self-esteem problems. Those committing suicide and those who kill others have severe issues with self-respect, self-esteem and self-love. Without proper self-esteem and other self-needs we are mentally malnourished and maladjusted.

   Self-esteem is often in the news, especially when concerning kids. Some authorities have eliminating winners and losers in children’s sports; intending to keep the self-esteem of the losers from being damaged. Each of us is “uniquely” unique with our own one of a kind heredity, upbringing and mental makeup. Having adequate “self-esteem” is so critical to our very well-being. We should develop normally and naturally during childhood and adolescence. Too many have had problems with this and must overcome various self-issues. These issues hold us back. All children definitely need good role models. They need good parenting, teaching and training in many successful living techniques. Adults “who miss out” must realize their inadequacies and address them through their own self-help efforts, counseling or other means. Low self-esteem is a handicap that can be overcome.  

   Having self-esteem means accepting, respecting, and loving the “self”. We can love and respect our self even though we are aware of our shortcomings, weakness, warts, blemishes, and all our faults. Respecting our self for who we are, with good and bad, provides the basic foundation for healthy living. It also provides the foundation for personal growth. Having self-esteem is a very basic necessity for finding any joy and happiness in this life.

Challenge:  Is “self-esteem” an issue for you? Is it in proper balance? Do you think too low or too highly of yourself? Self-esteem issues can be addressed. Take the time and evaluate your needs, if any. Your future happiness is greatly dependent upon these issues. Everything builds on how you feel and what you think about the “self”. Successful living is very dependent upon having a proper degree of self-esteem and self-love.

Wisdom: There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. Nathaniel Branden.

Spiritual: (NIV)

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentles, goodness, faith…. Galatians 5:22

We were created to have a “right” relationship with God. Without God we will have unhappy lives of continuous difficulty and hardship. Most are well aware of things about themselves that are unlikeable and even detestable. Knowing our faults so well causes us to have a hard time with self-issues. God loves us despite our issues. He loves us so much; he died to save us. Knowing his love, gives us the ability to love ourselves as well as others.

Prayer:  Help me to continue to grow in love. Help me to have a proper love for myself.